Gaining Resiliency Through Postpartum Depression
Part 4 of a 5-part Series
Trigger warning: This story mentions thoughts of suicide.
Our 4th victor in our series is
, who found her most difficult challenge in what society believes is the most natural, and therefore easy, part of humanity: birth and the mental effects that come with it. What was undoubtedly a wonderful moment to bring a new life to her family, it was complicated with postpartum depression, work-related discrimination, and the Covid pandemic.From New-Baby Bliss to a Melting Pot of Negative Feelings
Everyone has a story to tell from the Covid Pandemic years. For Louise, her story was a melting pot of the isolation and anxiety that many of us experienced, mixed with guilt that she was not at work during maternity leave. Her career was rooted in health services, and not using her skills to help others in this worldwide time of need dug deep into her soul. Even after returning as a volunteer in the vaccine clinics, she felt as though she wasn’t pulling her weight. When her colleagues were operating in suboptimal PPE, she was on the operating table delivering her daughter by caesarean section. To add to her guilt, the scrub nurse was a woman she’d worked with for years.
The Darkest Moment
The trigger for her deepest spiral of despair was a specific chain of events that confirmed that she would never have a permanent job in the region where her family lived. She had worked for years in the local hospital, and despite having training placements elsewhere, going back to her roots where she qualified as a doctor felt like coming home.
A friend casually mentioned a new colleague recently appointed to a job that I would have been eligible to apply for, but no one told me about it. I realised that my fears of the department leadership being unsupportive of a place for me in their team were not unfounded, and with my emotional health already somewhat precarious, this final straw felt like any hope I’d held for the future dropped out of my world.
Soon after she’d learned that there was little to no chance of a permanent job, she hit rock bottom. She had left her infant daughter at home with her husband and dropped off her three-year-old son at nursery.
I returned to my car in tears, sure that I would never see him again. I felt utterly hopeless, and was convinced that my family would be better off without me. I drove to a quiet spot and began to plan how I would end my life.
Being a doctor meant that she knew in too much detail the ‘how’ and the pros and cons of different options. As she was weighing each option in my mind and crafting a plan, her husband called.
His name popping up on the phone screen at just the right moment, was enough to divert my thoughts, and I drove home and told him what I was feeling. His strength in those moments saved me.
Soon after, she saw a perinatal psychiatrist and was offered admission to the mother and baby mental health ward. The doctor agreed to a plan for management at home, and a slow recovery began.
For a long-time, work was the biggest source of her unhappiness in life, and she often thought of leaving the medical field. But like many of us, she came back to the same though as always:
I have no idea what else I could do.
Continuously stuck in a place we aren’t fulfilled, just for a paycheck and because “that’s what we’re supposed to do”.
Unfortunately, her relationship with her work seniors deteriorated beyond repair. Louise cited an existing stigma within the medical profession regarding mental health issues, neurodivergence, and physical health (particularly pregnancy). The degree of said stigmatism varies depending on department culture.
Misogyny in surgery is one of them. And even though the Royal College of Surgeons in England (of which Louise is a Fellow) has commissioned a report and is working to change the face of surgery, the progress is slow.
How She Coped
All of her previous coping strategies had failed throughout this struggle. But as she recovered, she found that talking things out instead of keeping them bottled up helped. She also discovered that exercise was a wonderful way to work off emotions and ride the endorphins.
She leaned on her husband and focused on her family, and the relationship with all 3 of them was strengthened throughout it all.
A couple of years after the downward spiral, she was told that there would be no job for her and that when her fellowship ended there would be no extension.
Her coping turned to undying perseverance.
She allowed herself a few days to feel all the emotions and then picked herself up. She sent a message to the national children’s major trauma WhatsApp group asking if any of the trauma leads across the country had any interest in or capacity for a pediatric surgeon with a trauma fellowship.
I had three ‘yes please’ replies within about five minutes.
She also signed up for an ADHD assessment.
I realised that I couldn’t change what anyone else thinks of me, but perhaps I could understand myself better and change how I react to events.
Unsurprisingly, the assessment confirmed ADHD. Louise started medication soon after, and “that has been without exaggeration, life-changing.”
Trying to stay true to my own values has always been central to who I want to be.
For Louise, her hope was relentless until the moments she thought all was lost. But with support, she found hope again that all would be well in the end. Even though life didn’t turn out the way she expected, she is happier now than she ever was before.
Moments of Clarity
There is a wealth of knowledge and healing when we understand the physiological and psychological workings of ourselves. Much like fixing a broken car requires knowing how it is supposed to function, fixing ourselves requires deeper understandings of what makes us function.
Understanding how my brain works and that I’m not just a ‘crap human’ was really key to self-acceptance. I can be more compassionate to myself, appreciating that there are challenges I will always have – such as time blindness and overwhelm but these are more manageable simply because I’m now aware of them, and they are more than balanced by other things that I’m exceptionally good at – like seeing patterns where others can’t, putting information together rapidly and accurately to make decisions, and bringing new ideas into the world.
Throughout her experience, from becoming ill to leaving medicine and discovering writing, her perspective on herself and her place in the world shifted. Louise has new-found appreciation for the small joys in the daily beauty of the world and for the cherished time with her children.
Instead of being trapped in uncertainty, I have hope for the future.
At one point during her postpartum depression, being the experienced doctor she is, she self-diagnosed herself, believing she had a rare tumor and that she somehow deserved the cancer. Despite telling others to never “Google” your symptoms, she did so anyway and coupled it with her extensive years of medical training. However, it was her illness that led her down the dark rabbit hole into such beliefs, and luckily she was wrong.
The clarity came as she waited to attend her CT scan appointment. She had gone even deeper down the rabbit hole into a state of hopelessness, listing out which children should get which items from her possession once she was no longer around. She told him that she wanted to write a book if the diagnosis put her on a short timeline. But when the diagnosis was all normal and she settled back into a busy life of motherhood and word, the desire and need to write the book faded away.
But now, in this ‘creative pause’, nine months after leaving my surgical career behind, when I’m reflecting deeply on what is important to me, that moment of clarity – ‘If I’m going to die soon, I need to write a book’ came forefront. So I will write a book. Or two. Or more.
Key Takeaways from Her Journey
Louise has often been told the same cliche that we often hear in times of need. “Trust the universe, everything will work out for the best in the end.” But she didn’t really believe it upfront, and thought it was all nonsense. Don’t we all feel like it’s an empty saying in our darkest times? Just like Louise, we often can’t see a way forward when we’re in the thick of the forest.
What made the biggest difference in the end was letting go. Giving myself space and time to accept that what I’d always thought I’d wanted wasn’t to be, has opened possibilities that I could never have allowed myself to dream of before.
All of this has ultimately influenced her purpose and direction. Louise is currently writing an essay series, the last part which includes a career mission statement, not needing another certification, what to expect from your career, and how to let go. In the final essay, she notes:
With purpose as one of my core values, I’ve spent a lot of time considering what it is that my purpose might be. Having spent my entire adult life in service to the medical profession, the desire to ‘make a difference’ remains central to who I am…
Imagine the benefit, if rather than treating the aftermath of life-changing injury, I could utilise the knowledge I already have, to advocate for injury prevention initiatives nationwide…
Because often it is the quieter voice that offers a perspective that might just change the world.
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You are so brave and have so much to offer the world Louise! A very sensitively and well written piece Serena