Gaining Resiliency through Devastating Loss of a Loved One
Part 2 of a 5-part series
The second Victor to be featured in this 5-part series is
, a woman whose wedding vows were given the ultimate test, “in sickness and in health, ‘til death do us part.” For happily married individuals, the thought of losing the one to whom you’ve promised the rest of your life is unfathomable. But as the saying goes, the only thing certain in life is death, and living through that portion of your vows too soon can change your entire life.Jill’s Journey to Fulfill Her Vows
“Cancer.”
The word hit her with total shock and absolute devastation. A word that has power to change your entire world, setting off a multitude of emotions and life changes. Initially, the grief set it as the process began. Hope and fear and concern led the way into what would become their new norm of treatments and tests. Accepting that she would become caretaker for her sick husband, knowing that he would eventually pass away from his cancer.
From experiencing the new norm of undergoing treatments to receiving new that the test results were not very good, the emotional and mental roller coaster of the process continued. She watched him suffer through the symptoms of chemo and immunotherapy while she began to grieve all over again until she became numb to what she witnessed daily. Then there were days that his pain was so intense that sleep was a refuge while he slept while sitting on the bedroom floor. Showers and tub soaks became a key source of soothing his ailing body and soul.
Everyone wants to be strong for their loved ones in these situations, to give them as much joy and a “normal” life as possible, hiding the pain so that they don’t have to worry. Fake it ‘til you make it, as the saying goes.
There were times I would sit in my car in the garage, away from the chaos of it all, and cry! I went on for my husband, for my kids and just forgot myself and tapped into that inner strength that comes during times like these. You don’t think, you just do. I would wake up everyday during those times and say “This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.”
Cancer is far too cruel to allow one to enjoy as much comfort at home as possible. At one point, Jill’s husband spent 3 separate weeks in the ER at the hospital to get a hold of the pain through meds. The struggle led him to give up treatment and enter hospice - leaving Jill with yet another emotional shift and another bout of grieving.
There was so much change in the last 3 months, watching your husband and the father of your children turn from a man to a toddler, to finally an infant…watching him slowly deteriorate.
Jill noted that when you go through things like that with a loved one, you live in a strange “void” or “limbo land”. The only thing you can do is function and live moment to moment. It strangely taught her to appreciate and to live in the present moment, because that’s all you can do.
It also taught her that the threshold between this life and the next is thin.
My husband would say often that he felt like “two different people”.
She truly believed it was because half of him was trying to live as a human, while the other was trying to leave his body and live beyond, into the ether beyond this realm.
While it was hard to watch him go through the battle with cancer, she also found it fascinating. She learned to be quite open minded about the possibilities beyond this world.
And though cancer took him at the age of 52, his soul and body finally at peace, Jill’s emotional shifts continued through all of the stages of grief and beyond. 9 months later, she still feels like the process has been a revolving door of emotional shifts.
There was never a feeling of “I’m on this side of it and this happened so I’m now on the other side of it…” It does feel like 3 steps forward, 4 back sometimes.
Sources of Strength and Coping
Friends and faith became even more important to Jill during and after her husband’s battle with cancer.
She had friends that she could count on for anything, day or night. She also had an extended family through her husband’s side that supported her, taking time to be with him so that she could get breaks, safeguarding her mental health and sanity.
These types of situations tend to bring people out of the woodwork.
She became acquainted with new friends (or friends of her husband) and reacquainted with old friends. She witnessed that the love you put into the world comes back to you - and saw it come back in droves on an awe-inspiring level.
Jill lends a lot of her strength to her faith, citing that she would be nothing without it.
After so much loss have to believe that there is something beyond here where I will see my loved ones again.
She made sure to engage in healthy activities to calibrate her mind, body, and soul. A self-proclaimed fitness junkie, she focused on breathwork, meditation and journaling. She also dug deeper into finding her mission on Earth, watching Near Death Experiences on YouTube to gain perspective and make sense of it all.
From this experience, Jill believes that our existence is fleeting and that we should go out into the world and make the most of it. To share our knowledge and experience with others so we can help each other fare much better in this life.
I feel as though I am called to help others in this life by helping them think outside the box when it comes to tragic situations. I don’t know how that will look yet, but I’m sure it will come if I am open.
Understanding Ourselves and Life on a Deeper Level
You never know how strong you can be until you’re faced with such dire situations. It is in those moments that you can learn to stand up for yourself and set boundaries for you and your family without feeling bad about it, even if we are people pleasers.
In the end, people would comment how strong Jill was, even when she didn’t feel that way. You go through a lot of emotions in situations like these and most people only see the surface level of these hard times. Most of the time, she would put on a happy face and carry on, or go out and do things with the kids - being “normal”.
But as anyone who has survived tragedy, you usually don’t think about what you’re doing - you just do it. And as Jill discovered in her journey, you find the gratitude in it all, which can both save you and surprise you.
From losing her brother (25), her sister (36), and then her husband (52) at such young ages she realized that as humans we believe that people should live longer. That they were cheated.
I have come to believe that our path is our path, no matter how long or short. While it may not make sense to us left behind, be it makes perfect sense to them and their journey.
Life is not always fun and roses but it’s those hard times that mold and shape us into who we are meant to be.
Jill’s Lasting Lessons Learned
Through every struggle, there is always something to learn. Things we can change, things to watch out for, and new mindsets to embrace. Here are the key takeaways from Jill’s journey through losing a loved one.
Life is short - find a way to live your best life!
That we can do hard things. But don’t allow it to turn you into a victim. It robs you of the amazing attributes those hard things will bestow upon you.
Time is precious. Enjoy these moments together, even though they are hard or painful.
You will be okay, stronger and perfectly put together when you get out the other side, even if it looks messy on the outside. And you will be beautiful on the other end of it all.
Do what makes you happy and stop pleasing others. You owe nothing to others in the way of sacrificing your own happiness and truth.
Takeaway
If you’re faced with losing a loved one, let Jill’s journey be your hope and encouragement that you can find joy and strength in the most difficult moments, and everything will be ok, one way or another.
It will take time, it will not be easy, and there may be additional challenges to push through, but the sun always rises after the darkest nights.
If you know someone that’s struggling and in need of some resiliency, please do share the post and publication!
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Thank you for sharing Jill’s story, Selena! It’s a powerful reminder that while grief is real and heavy, so is hope. There’s something comforting in knowing that light can still break through, even when everything feels uncertain. Sending strength to anyone navigating that kind of loss right now. All will be well.