Having Strength When Losing Everything

My Life Story and Biggest Tragedy Overcome

Photo by Greg Johnson on Unsplash

I have two children. Their father and I had the unconventional start (pregnancy at 19 and marriage shortly after), but we did well together. We rarely fought, we agreed on pretty much everything when it came to raising the kids, we had lifelong goals and a vision for our future — it seemed like it was meant to be. Or so I thought.

After a few years of marriage and both kids born, we entered into ministry together, giving up our entire life to serve others. We moved half-way across the country and began our work in a rundown church with few members — but oh how we loved them, especially our youth group. We often had them over for food, fellowship, mentoring them, helping them through difficult times, loving them as our own.

We also spent time with residents at the shelter — more so him, but we were told it would be best that way instead of having a young woman (myself) wandering around in there. Once in a while, the shelter would ask residents if anyone would like to go to church, and would load them in a van and bring them to our service on Sunday morning. We got to know a couple of families and their children.

One day, as I was preparing for Christmas for the church, my ex (then husband) had an event planned for the youth group and went to pick up a few a bit early. Little did I know, my entire world was about to change.

A few hours later, my ex called me. “Come home now.” He was supposed to be out with the youth group. I asked why and he simply said, “just come home now.” I asked one of the ladies with me to drive me home, as we only had one vehicle.

As I closed the front door of the house, he told me that he was in the house with one of the teen girls and one of the teen boys, that the girl had fallen asleep on the couch as the teen boy and he played video games, and that she woke up from a nightmare screaming “get away from me!” and ran out the door.

About an hour later, police showed up at the front door. She had run to a neighbor’s house and had told them that my ex had touched her. The police were there to question him and asked him to come to the station. I encouraged him to go (if he didn’t do anything wrong, he should go, right?).

6 months passed. We hadn’t heard another word. We assumed that she was simply looking for attention, we “knew” that she was troubled from her past and being in the shelter, and we “knew” he was innocent. We went on with life as normal.

We had the normal Christmas services in that time. Then Passover. Then Easter hunts for the kids. And Vacation Bible School. Everything was great.

The day of the VBS graduation came, and everyone was enjoying a meal and fellowship after the ceremony. One of the congregation members came up to me and quietly said, “the police are here”. I followed him outside to talk to the police. They had come to arrest my ex. I walked inside, heart pounding, shaking, and asked my ex to step out into the hallway with me. Once outside of the fellowship hall, I told him. I can’t remember if he said anything or not. He simply walked outside, let them put on the handcuffs, and got into their police car.

I tried to keep it together and went inside. How was I going to explain it to my kids? What would I tell the people? What was going to happen next? I asked our closest friends to take care of the rest of the event and took my kids home. I told them that Daddy had to leave on urgent church business and he’d be home soon. I also called his parents, and they made arrangements immediately to come.

I went to the station the next day and found out that the bail was far more than most people had to their name. That same day, I called my father and he offered to take care of the kids for a while (it was summer after all, and they didn’t need to be present for all of what was about to happen). Once my in-laws arrived, my mother-in-law took a flight across the country with my kids, left them with my dad at the airport, and came back.

For the next month, we went to visit him each weekend in the local prison. They’d visit Saturday, I’d visit Sunday. I managed to get the best lawyer in town thanks to my paternal grandmother. And finally, I could post bail through a bail bond, only by the grace of 7 people that put their homes up as collateral in case he fled.

He swore up and down that he never did anything. And I believed him. As far as the lawyer knew, there was no firm evidence against him. And at the end of the summer, my kids came home.

For 7 months, I went to court with him, stood by him, defended him. And then one day, after getting the case continued multiple times, his lawyer pulled us aside before court began.

“The DNA results came back. There’s no way mathematically possible that it could belong to anyone but you.”

My ex asked me to step out of the room, and suddenly, I was no longer allowed to know what was going on. I found out on the way home, that the strategy had changed from “he didn’t do it” to “it was a mistake, his first offense”. He never actually admitted to my face that he did it.

That same day, I lost all trust. The man I had loved, raised kids with, stood by in his darkest days… he betrayed us in the worst way possible. I knew I had to leave and take my kids with me. I filed for divorce not long after, he signed documents for me to leave the state with the kids, and I left. I lost my marriage, my job, my home, everything at once.

A year later, he plead guilty. He was given probation. No jail time. He called me right after it was done, said he was going to cross the border right away, and he never came back to the US.

A few months after he fled the country, I found out via Facebook that he was chasing a 14-year-old girl in Mexico. I knew that it was no longer healthy for my kids to talk to him, and since he disobeyed his probation, he was a felon and couldn’t come back to the states.

He eventually married her and has a child with her. A half-brother my kids will never meet.

I continued on with my kids, getting a job when I moved back to Atlanta, always pushing forward to make sure they were well cared for. They are now healthy, happy teenagers themselves, thriving in school and with friends. They found out via google what happened to their father when they were old enough to understand a search engine. And while it hurt, they understood why I had to leave their dad and why I no longer allowed him to talk to them.

For me, there is no other way. I would not be destroyed and limited by his sins. I was determined to move forward and succeed.

If there is any lesson to my story, it’s that you don’t have to be defined by your circumstances nor your struggles. Get up, push forward, and change your future. You are stronger than you know.

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