How to Survive Divorce and Thrive After

Tips from a Woman Who Has Been Through Two Very Different Divorces

Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash

I’m no stranger to divorce. After the 27-month fiasco that ended in divorce with the father of my kids, I tried marriage again a few years later. In the beginning it all seemed wonderful, like I was truly getting a new start. But I missed the red flags of a functioning alcoholic, who eventually became the man that belittled me and screamed at me as I served his dinner until my cancer-ridden father came to defend me.

The final straw was him threatening to call CPS because my 14-year-old was sitting next to her first boyfriend on the couch with me in the same room. He called her a slut.

Reality Hit Hard

Why did I marry him? Maybe it was the thought of having someone who was actually be ok with me having kids already and not wanting any more. And I did love him. But not long after we bought our house (or rather, I bought it, because he had no income and crappy credit), all of those red flags I missed became blaring sirens.

Yet I endured it for another year. Hoping he would get better. Hoping he would put his family and his livelihood first. As I excelled in my career, gaining new positions, raises, bonuses… he sat at $20k as a lawyer, content to get $300 public defender cases here and there. He’d take 3 hour naps on the bed right behind where I was working, stay up until 3-4 am playing video games, and drink 750 ml of vodka in the course of 2 nights each and every weekend.

All this to say, it was a horrible final year, and once I made my final decision to end it, I was completely done.

The Worries of Post-Divorce Survival

Now, a lot of people worry like crazy when they are about to get divorced. And I get it. Your entire world, the life you’ve known for years, your entire support system, is about to get upended.

• How will you survive?

• How will you take care of kids alone?

• Will you have enough income?

All valid questions, and there are so many more out there.

I’ve seen many people, women in particular, end up screwed because they had no income during the marriage. And I’ve seen men screwed because they have to pay child support they can’t afford.

No, I don’t want to debate which side has it worse, because each divorce comes with its own special circumstances and outcomes.

And while I can’t give you legal advice or tell you exactly what would happen in court, I can give you advice on how I made it through two divorces, came out on top - and found an honestly good, compassionate, solid man to spend the rest of my life with.

P.S. checkout Avvo.com to ask real lawyers for legal advice for free. (No affiliate link, just a great resource.)

Where I Focused My Efforts

Income

My first focus was always to make sure I had an income. A job. A skill set. I had learned from watching my mom leech off of everyone else in her life that I would never become her. I would always excel, always be learning, and always be financially stable alone if I needed to.

After all, divorce is not the only way to end up as a single parent.

I have gone the last 12 years without child support, several years without any support at home with the kids, no coparent, and yet I found legal and respectful ways to always bring home the bacon.

So if you’re contemplating divorce, start thinking about how you’re going to survive financially. And as the meme says, “somewhere out there, your ex is pretending to be in love to have a place to live.” Please don’t put yourself in that situation. Or your kids.

Point of No Return

My second focus was to ensure that once I pulled the plug, there was no turning back. Did it hurt? Hell yes. Did it bring moments of “what if we just tried again?” Absolutely. But once you reach the breaking point, putting the pieces back together is extremely hard.

There are few success stories of rekindling a successful marriage post-divorce, and it usually comes with a lot of self-improvement and maturing from both individuals. And let’s be honest - anyone that has divorced knows that one side will never improve.

Kids First, Always

My third focus was my kids. I did not let my broken heart and sadness/anger ruin their futures. Homework? Let’s do it. Studying? You got it. Birthday parties? Absolutely! Everything I did was for them. All so they could have a better future.

I never was into smoking or drugs or drinking, but I’ve witnessed parents who put buying drugs over buying groceries and drag their kids out to dealing spots.

Don’t put any vice, illegal activities, or dangerous situation above your kids, and definitely don’t put your kids in a dangerous situation.

Self-Care

Last but not least, I focused on me. Note that the header said “self-care”, not selfishness.

I still dated occassionally. I still enjoyed reading and watching shows and movies with my kids. I still went hiking with my friends and to Krav Maga.

I did a lot of self-reflection, learned to be alone again, even while dating.

I worked on me, so that I could be an even better partner for whomever I ended up being with for the rest of my life.

I looked deep into the things that I did wrong in the past, the times I wasn’t particularly kind or respectful to my exes, and decided that I would not be that way again.

A True New Beginning

Eventually, through trial and error, bad dates and horrible short relationships, I found him. A deeper love than I ever knew or understood before. I always had hope that somewhere out there would be the right one for me.

Every hard lesson I learned, every red flag I became aware of, every moment of self-realization… it all led me to a better partner, a better marriage, a better future.

Parting Words of Encouragement

If divorce is in your future, it will absolutely be hell for a time, but prepare yourself mentally and financially even before you ask for a divorce, and it’ll go much better post-divorce. Read law firm website blogs, check out Avvo.com.

And for the love of all that is good - be a good person throughout it all. Don’t let yourself be the bitter, toxic, angry side of the divorce and the difficult coparent.

Have Integrity.

"Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is looking" - Charles Marshall

---

Share this post with someone you know who is about to be going through, or in the middle of, divorce.

Ready to improve your resiliency?

If you want to go deeper with me, then subscribe to my Substack to receive the more specific training via email! I’ll be posting insights, exercises, and more on Substack in upcoming weeks!

---

If you know someone that’s struggling and in need of some resiliency, please do share this publication!