How to Survive Leaving a Toxic Person
Learning to cope and heal
Being with a toxic person can be detrimental to your physical, mental, and emotional health. Deciding to leave is only half the battle. Surviving the breakup or divorce and picking up the pieces is perhaps the hardest yet most freeing part.
The process of leaving someone you once loved and to whom you gave your heart is riddled with self-doubt, emotional rollercoasters, anger and anxiety, and fear of the unknown. Yet all of this doesn’t compare to the pain that led you to this decision.
Learning to cope throughout the process in healthy ways is key to surviving and thriving. Below, I will share a few coping methods that I’ve used to survive.
Avoiding the Urge to Give Them Another Chance
A toxic person is usually manipulative and knows how to pull on your heart strings. They’ll know exactly what to say to break your heart, make you believe it’s your fault, and push you to come back — and let’s face it, chances are, you have gone back at least once before.
You may find yourself questioning what you could have done better, finding it hard to believe that you’ve “failed”, and frequently looking back on what you once had. You may even try to convince yourself that maybe it wasn’t all that bad and maybe you were overreacting, or maybe there’s a possibility that it could work again. But as anyone will tell you, there’s a reason you broke up and a very slim chance that said reason will ever disappear.
Remember the good times, yes, but also the bad times.
Keep a diary before the final decision to leave, during the process, and during your healing once it’s all over. This will help you justify and solidify your decision.
Ignoring the Request of a Cheater to Return
While linked to the first section, considering trying again with a cheater has a whole other set of coping methods.
If you decided to end a relationship because of infidelity, there’s a good chance that they may come back, begging you to return, promising to change, and claiming they won’t see so-and-so or go behind your back again.
I’ve seen time-and-time again from my own life and the lives of friends, that cheaters will miss the security, care, and devotion you provided them. They will hold on to the one that they cheated on you with, and beg for you to take them back, pretending that they’ve ended it with the other person. They are monkey branching, constantly looking for greener grass, and will eternally jump from person to person, always ignoring their current lawn in pursuit of “better”.
Remember their infidelity, their disregard for your devotion and your love, and their selfish pursuits
Consider your value — you are worth more than how they treated you — someone that really loves you would tend to the lawn rather than leave it at the first sign of a brown spot
Controlling your Emotions
Toxic people love to push your buttons. Your ex will most likely push you to the point of blowing up, and then use your explosion against you, often crying and framing you as the cruel, abusive one.
Never place anything negative in writing nor where it can be recorded
Breathe deep and keep calm — anything you say and do can and will be used against you — especially in court
Take the opportunity to grow and rise above such childish antics
Don’t give in to their constant prodding — they feed off it and love watching you suffer
Adopt the practice of Grey Rocking (this denies them that fuel from your suffering and was a game changer for me)
Taking Time to Heal, Grow, and Change
During the relationship, you probably got to the point where you were changing yourself for the worse, neglecting yourself to try to save the relationship, and putting up wall after wall. Take time during the separation to improve yourself, your outlook, your habits, and your support system.
Work out and get in better shape physically
Get more rest (despite your many restless nights second guessing everything)
Pick a new hobby that you really enjoy
Spend more time with people that have healthy habits, especially those that can provide good advice, listening ears, and most importantly, that you can trust
Reflect on your shortcomings from the relationship — what did you do wrong that you can fix and prevent in the next relationship (and don’t say you didn’t do anything wrong… we all have done wrong)
Make goals on personal improvements and work towards them — the better version of “you” will attract better partners and will be able to recognize and steer clear of red flags — and let’s face it, we all have flaws
Avoid turning to drinking, smoking, drugs, or any other negative habit — this will not fix anything, only offers temporary relief, and causes more issues to fix down the road
Hope for the Future
Starting over, especially after a very long relationship/marriage, can feel like a daunting mission and near impossible. Your past relationship may have left you broken, feeling worthless and unlovable, and afraid to try again. But don’t give up — there is always hope, and you’ll never know what amazing people await you if you don’t try.
Know your value — during your process of self-improvement, make a list of good qualities and traits you have, repeating the list to yourself daily until you believe it
Make a list of ideal traits for your future partner (think realistically — some flaws are ok and not every wish list item will be checked)
Make a list of red flags, and deal breakers to avoid in the future — and do not bend for anyone
Remember — there is always hope of finding someone new that is better for you
Best wishes!
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