If You Want Resilient Children, Here's Why You Shouldn't Rescue Them
Teaching Responsibility and Consequences Before It's Too Late
My stepson is 12 and just told us that he cusses at school.
Which I don’t approve of but having raised two kids to adulthood already, I know it happens. I can’t correct the behavior if I’m not there.
Having said that, I’ve often heard two entirely different thoughts on how to approach it with kids.
On one side, it’s “it’s ok if he cusses as long as he doesn’t get caught.”
And on the other side, “he shouldn’t cuss at all at school if it’s against school rules.”
My preference is the latter.
The Dangers of “Just Don’t Get Caught”
For me, the notion of “it’s ok to break the rules/law as long as you don’t get caught” is a dangerous thing to teach children. Especially when certain individuals in their life live by the motto of “it’s ok to break the rules if it’s fun”.
But here’s the thing - I can only guide them so far. If they decide to break a rule, and not just “cussing at school”, they have to learn to accept the consequences. We can’t rescue them every time they do something bad, or place blame on anyone else.
Why?
Because doing so teaches them that they never have to take responsibility for their actions, and thus never have to worry about consequences from breaking rules (or the law, for that matter).
Guidance Instead of Rescuing
Instead of rescuing them, we should support them and guide them.
When we consistently rescue them from the consequences of their actions, or demonstrate a complete lack of responsibility as adults, we prevent them from learning key coping skills in life.
Raising children is not just feeding them and putting a roof over their head, or even adding in elements of fun. It’s raising them to one day leave the nest, to survive on their own, and be upstanding members of society.
Our Actions Impact Their Future
Every lesson we give them now will have lasting impacts on who they become as adults.
Things like skipping school and not tending to your homework and studies could have negative impacts on their ability to focus and be dedicated when they have a job (more so if they start a business).
Telling them “It’s ok to do it as long as you don’t get caught” lends its way to breaking the law and putting others in harm’s way because they don’t fear the consequences or impact on others.
And yes, maybe I’m a little overbearing, but I would rather them to have a healthy respect for the law/authorities and others than an unhealthy focus on their own pleasure at the expense of others.
The Results of Rescuing and Avoiding Consequences
A prime example of the negative outcomes of such teachings is my brother. Raised primarily by my mother, she fostered behaviors of skipping school, failing classes, being utterly lazy, and displaying devotion to nothing but herself. She taught him to lie, to abuse others to get his way, and to use others for a place to live. She never taught him dedication nor doing what needs to be done.
He’s now 37 - and is detrimental to society. Bound to his own desires and entitled to no end, he cannot keep a job, jumps from home-to-home manipulating others for a place to stay, and wholly believes that he is the victim in every negative situation he has created for himself. He has been to jail more than once and alienates anyone good in his life.
The negative lessons and constant rescuing he experienced early on have ruined him for a lifetime.
The Goal for Our Children (and Yours)
The life my brother lives is the future I hope to steer my kids and my step kids away from.
To teach them early on not to lie, manipulate, abuse, or use others for their temporary pleasures. To be kind and honest and dedicated to a better future for themselves. To respect others and the law.
Because their future depends on it.
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This is so true. I'm a father 4 (aged 14 to 5). Especially with the oldest, I'm realizing more and more that the pre-teen years of parenting are about guiding, setting expectations, correcting, being a good example, so that when they are presented an opportunity or choice outside the walls of our house, they make the right one. I know they'll make the wrong one, probably often. But laying the groundwork in their younger years is the labor, their strong character is the fruit.