Master Resiliency: Positive Behaviors 101
Beginning Your Journey to Mastering Resiliency
In this short 3-piece series, I’ve covered Positive Thinking and Positive Actions. Both of which are integral to shaping your mindset to overcome some of the most difficult life challenges you’ll face.
The third one is all about positive behaviors. Making your thoughts and actions into long-term, beneficial behaviors that will help you now and for years to come.
I’ve seen a lot of people in my life that allow themselves to spiral and develop poor behaviors when things get rough. It’s as if they believe that their behavior is the only way to get through the difficulties, but at the end of the day, they never escape. They forever remain stuck in the same situation(s) because they never wanted to change their behaviors that quite possibly contributed to where they are now.
I’ve seen:
women who cheat over and over, believing that one day they’ll find a quality partner.
men who drink until they pass out nightly.
young guys wasting their time and money on drugs and people that drag them down.
young women go on shopping sprees to cope with their sadness and life in general.
None of these things, amongst other behaviors, solve any of the problems. The alcohol, spending, drugs, and sexual pleasures didn’t last more than a few hours each time, and only dragged them further into their despair.
If I could go back in time to speak to them, here are some ideas that I would encourage them to follow. While they don’t seem like “fun” in the moment, it’ll help reframe your mind to not be so focused on instant gratification and instead on long-term benefits.
Rerouting your money
Avoiding vices
Encouraging yourself to be in silence
Let’s jump into each one:
Rerouting your money
Debt sucks. Especially credit card debt. But so many of us shop when we have a bad day. Stacks of Amazon boxes on the front porch, lots of nights out eating at restaurants and ordering in. It all feels good in the moment and feels like you reduced stress by not cooking and by distracting yourself with a new toy. Oh I’ve been there. It’s an easy trap to fall into.
And then the credit card statement comes in. Without knowing it, you’ve spent thousands on basically nothing. $100-200 meals that are gone in an hour, leftovers thrown out, and items that sit on your nightstand doing nothing but taking up space. Things you didn’t really need at all.
Now, I’m not a minimalist by any stretch of the word, but when I see a bunch of “junk” sitting around that I never really needed, and now I’m paying off the debt plus interest? Ugh, I know you know that feeling. Regret. Worry. You might even try to justify the expense.
My husband and I went through a shopping spree after we sold our houses and got a new one together. A lot of it was justifiable. Beds and furniture for his kids, supplies to maintain the pool each year, a new double cage for the dogs after we had just gotten a new puppy. All good right?
But we also went out to eat a lot and ordered in a lot. We went to closer stores like Publix that ramp up their prices instead of driving 10 extra minutes to Walmart. We bought things on Amazon that seemed important in the moment but looking back, the convenience provided wasn’t really worth the money spent.
So now we spend more time trying new recipes at home. Healthier, cheaper, not wasting food. We eat out once per week as a family. We don’t buy things for ourselves or the kids unless it’s a birthday or something like Christmas. And it’s really helping us pay down the debt we accumulated.
Also, we’re throwing extra money into a high yield savings account. Last year, we “earned” over $400 in interest alone. That’s basically free money for doing nothing other than saving money.
We’ve had money to go on vacation and to pay for my oldest daughter’s college for 2 years.
Our goal for this year is to be 100% debt free by the end of the year. And I think we have a really good shot at it. But it wouldn’t be possible if we didn’t change our behaviors on how we spend our precious funds.
Where are you wasting money just for a quick thrill and to “relax”? How much debt do you have that just keeps piling higher? Do you have a high-yield savings account? Or a 401k?
Avoiding vices
When I was 17-18, I dated a guy who wasn’t stellar, and his father (Ed) was the textbook definition of a functioning alcoholic.
Ed was an interesting man. He had the life story of the hippie sent to war, who married the woman of his dreams, had two boys, and ended up divorced. And the divorce destroyed him - he never healed. He had moments of great happiness when he would be telling a joke. And then minutes later he would spiral into anger about some conspiracy he had heard. His hair was long and thinning, his muscles stringy and worn out. He was nearing 60 but looked 75 or older.
He would wake up before the sun every day, drive an hour to his job welding window frames, and be back home by 5. He’d make himself dinner while he had a beer, then sit in front of the television as he drank bottle after bottle until he passed out. At some point during the night, he’d wake up and drag himself to be for the last few hours.
And he did this, every single day after his divorce. He never quite recovered, never found a new, happy life, and never cared to pull himself out of the dark hole he was in. His life was a mess, but he was somehow content to live in it.
Vices can tear us apart and keep us struggling.
Smoking, drinking, drugs, sex - they feel great in the moment, but they don’t solve anything. They don’t pull us out of our darkness, and they don’t help us move forward. Just temporary band aids.
For me, I look towards things that calm my mind and my heart, and if I’m lucky that day, it’ll be something productive, like reading or writing. Maybe even trying my hand at gardening. For a time when I was dating my now husband, we used walking and going to the gym to decompress from stressful days at work and build our relationship.
For my husband, he likes washing the car, mowing the lawn, exercising, and working on the pool in the summer. Most of that seems like a boring chore to me, but for him it reduces stress and he enjoys seeing the fruits of his labor after he’s done. He likes knowing that his efforts have a positive impact on the life and future of his family - and I admire and respect him so much for it.
So while it may seem boring in the beginning, find something calming and productive to do when you’re going through difficult times, and avoid the temporary pleasures that really have no benefits to your mind, body, or future.
Encouraging yourself in silence
Once upon a time, I used to think that I needed something going on all the time to block out the noise in my head. Life was falling apart, and I didn’t like to be alone with my thoughts, because all I could do was worry about what was going on. Every moment of silence made me feel sad, depressed, lonely.
So I would always be doing something with the kids, or watching a movie, or a show. But it never allowed me to process what was going on. I’d go from kids, to work, to kids, making dinner, homework, bedtime routines, and tv… sleep and repeat.
While I was being productive and knocking out being a good parent and excelling at work, I wasn’t healing inside. Not until I was able to be alone with my thoughts and really dig down deep.
I had to learn to sit in silence and be alone with my thoughts, reframing the negative ones into ones of hope, strength, and encouragement. I learned to find a deeper belief in my self-worth that went beyond my career and the well-being of my children.
And as an introvert, I wasn’t providing myself the time I needed to recharge. Once I began to be ok with being alone and in the quiet of the night (or day), my anxiety reduced, my energy levels improved, and I was able to really kick ass in every aspect of my life.
If you’re filling every waking moment with some sort of activity or distraction, take some time to be in complete silence each day. Your heart, mind, and soul have so much healing to do and so much to say. It may seem rough at first, but keep at it, make it part of your behavior patterns.
Long Term Benefits
Humans are wired to seek out short term pleasure to get through life. We are conditioned to avoid pain and seek enjoyment in everything we do, from food, to companionship, to daily activities. But sometimes, these short-term things really aren’t worth any long-term benefits.
Starting with these three changes in your behaviors will do wonders down the road. Improving your mental and physical health, and your financial well-being will provide skills and resources for the next time that life inevitably gets difficult.
Ready to improve your resiliency?
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