Quick tips for Resiliency
How to begin training your mind with simple 101 tips
Back in 2011, my ex-husband committed a crime that resulted in me losing my marriage, my job, my home, and my support system. From the moment he was accused of sexual assault of a minor to the moment he fled the country 27 months later, it was a constant roller coaster of emotions and difficult decisions. For over a year, I believed his story and traveled to court every few months in hopes it would be dismissed. Until the final nail in the coffin came in an irrefutable DNA test result proving his guilt. From there, it was navigating divorce with two young children and realizing I would soon be without a job and a home. Relocating across the country to come back home and starting life over with my children alone was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but it was necessary and worth it in the end.
Sometimes people ask me how I managed to make it through so many difficult moments and challenges for such a long time. The truth is, it wasn’t something that I was born with. I didn’t plan on it. I didn’t expect any of it.
But I did grow up witnessing a positive mindset. As a result, I embraced positive thoughts and behaviors that altered my mindset and trained my brain to be more resilient.
How It Started
I grew up in a difficult home, full of anger, arguing, betrayal, cheating, and abuse.
Until I was 12 years old, I witnessed my dad carry the family, not just financially, but in every way possible. My mom was only “mom” and “wife” in title. She didn’t support my father. Didn’t maintain the house, help with homework, cook, clean, or even watch her spending.
On any given day in our small 3-bedroom townhouse, there would be a mountain of dirty laundry in front of the washer and dryer, spilling into our very small dining area. We would have to walk over the dirty laundry just to sit in our chairs. Dinner would be burgers as hard as hockey pucks or half-cooked pasta, no veggies, and haphazardly thrown together when my dad walked in the door. And while I was always a good student and always did well, my brother did not. My mother let him skip school often, he failed second grade and barely passed other grades, and his behavior at school landed him in the principal’s office with a paddle far too many times.
Over and over, my dad would struggle to pay the bills, not because he didn’t make much money, but because my mom would spend his money on nonsense instead of mailing in the checks. She preferred cigarettes and falling asleep on the couch at night to spending quality time with my dad.
Eventually, my dad decided that even though he was exhausted, his kids couldn’t live like that. So, he took on everything on his nights and weekends, so that we would be clean, healthy, and attend school. He would come home at the end of a long day at work, and still make dinner, do laundry, and work on homework with us. While my mom watched tv while downing a bag of chips with filth all around her.
I suppose at some point, he realized that he didn’t need to deal with her narcissism and abuse any longer and could be the successful single dad. And I celebrated their divorce at 12-years-old.
Indirect Life Lessons
In watching my dad go through so much, I also saw him make it through all the challenges to be in better situations and stronger. Because of him, I learned how to embrace positive thoughts, behaviors, and actions.
He still climbed the ladder at work, made sure we ate well and got to all our doctor appointments, and took care of the house basically by himself.
He never argued in front of us (she preferred to make a scene everywhere), and even though he and my mom were never on good terms, he never hesitated to correct us if we disrespected her.
And he stood firm in his decision to leave a bad situation, even if it meant being single and struggling a little more for a short while.
What This Means for You
Just like he indirectly taught me to be resilient, I’m going to teach you through my life stories so that you can learn to be resilient. If something traumatic or life-changing were to happen to you, your brain would be better able to handle and overcome.
Here are some quick tips on how to train your brain:
Positive Thinking 101
In every situation, ask yourself what you can do instead of what you can’t do
Remember that every bad storm has a silver lining and eventually ends
Keep in mind that just because you’re used to it doesn’t mean that it’s ok
Positive Actions 101
Be decisive and take action instead of wishing things were better
Make friends and connections that have positive outlooks on life and encourage you
Choose music and movies/shows with positive messages rather than those that make you more depressed or deeper in your own misery
Positive Behaviors 101
Instead of shopping to cope, put that money against your debt or into a high-yield savings account
Use walking and exercise to clear your mind instead of turning to vices like smoking and drinking
Learn to sit in silence and be alone with your thoughts, reframing the negative ones into ones of hope
Start today!
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