How He Tears Down My Walls
How My Husband Helps Me Heal
For many years, and through multiple relationships, I watched my worth decline. Or at least, what they thought I was worth. Through mental, emotional, and physical abuse and the biggest betrayal, I often found it hard to believe that anyone could ever truly love me or find me worthy of being treated well. I still had hope that maybe, one day, someone would see me in a different light. I worked hard, focused on my own personal growth and improvement, climbed the corporate ladder, and spent time with friends and my children. But the one piece that I was missing, was for a significant other to love me as much as I love them.
And then he came along and changed my entire world. He gave me back my self-worth. He continues to break down my walls. He shows me every single day just how special I am in his eyes and how important I am. Here are just a few ways that this amazing man has filled that empty part of me:
Being able to cry again
The last long-term relationship I was in did the most damage to my self-worth. I was constantly made to feel that I wasn’t enough, treated harshly if I didn’t perform a certain way, told that everything he did to me was my fault, and ultimately watched him pursue other women constantly. A self-proclaimed womanizer.
I would try to be strong, to be compassionate given the issues he was having with his exes and his health, always putting his needs and desires before my own, often at the cost of my own mental health. But once in a while, I would break down in front of him, usually after harsh physical treatment or being yelled at for not performing sexually exactly the way he thought I should.
Each time I cried, he would get even angrier, give me a look of disgust, and tell me to “go fix my face” and come back when I was done. Eventually, I buried all my emotions to the point where I couldn’t even cry in his presence after my father died. He had broken the most human outlet of grief, despair, pain, and sadness. I was no longer allowed to be sad.
Not many months into dating my now husband, I was upset about something, sitting in the Bruster’s parking lot, and started feeling like I needed to cry. I immediately choked back the tears, turned my head away to hide my eyes, and tried to compose myself as quickly as I could. Being the observant man he is, he noticed and asked me what was wrong. I tried again to not speak of whatever it was that upset me. I hid my face in my hoodie as I began to sob, as he managed to pull out of me the reason that I was afraid to cry. I poured out my pain and the wall that blocked my emotions. And as I did, he wrapped his arms around me, kissed my forehead, and reassured me that it was ok to cry. It felt like he had thrown a cannonball at the wall, and I started crying even harder. It had been many years since I was allowed to cry, and even more, that I felt safe doing so again.
Able to share selfies again
It seems that part of a normal relationship nowadays is the ability to share pictures of each other randomly and to dote upon each other. Again, in my most recent long-term relationship, I quickly began to believe that I was not attractive at all. Early on, I would send my ex a selfie here and there, and I wish I had even gotten a “nice pic” out of it. But twice in a row a few weeks apart, the response was “it would be better if you were naked”.
I never wanted to take a pic of myself again, especially not for him. It became clear later in the relationship that I would look at a pic I took for him, and one I took with friends, and see just how unhappy I truly was with him. Hindsight is 20/20, as always.
But my husband, he treats me like I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. He often just gazes at me and tells me I’m gorgeous, beautiful, sexy. He makes me feel attractive again and I never feel like sending him a selfie will result in some cruel remark. He is a caring and doting partner, and I’ve needed his affection for a very long time.
Self-confidence and feeling sexy and beautiful again
Somewhat related to the above point, I’ve always had a feeling that I wasn’t the most attractive woman in the world. And to a point, I still don’t. I am fully aware that there are some drop dead gorgeous women out there that are far higher in beauty that I am, and that’s perfectly fine. That doesn’t bother me. But when you’re with a partner that places your “beauty” on your sexuality and your ability to perform sexually to please him and his desires, it can really tear you apart.
I had lost all of my self-confidence, despite how well I cared for my body and my health. I went to martial arts multiple times per week, I was eating better, I was hiking and looking pretty damn good. But it wasn’t enough for my partner. I learned to separate what he thought of me physically from what I thought of me physically. With him, no matter where we were, his eyes were scanning the women in the area, always pointing out how sexy others were or how much he wanted to screw one of them. I was always less beautiful, less sexy, less desirable than every other woman around us. And it killed me.
But my husband frequently tells me how sexy and beautiful I am to him. He never looks at other women. I feel completely confident and sexually powerful with him. He often tells me that he would shut down any woman that attempted to flirt with him or approach him, and I appreciate it more than he’ll ever know.
Fear of heavy drinking — a wall slowly coming down
With another ex, I dreaded every weekend, for every Friday and Saturday night, he would get drunk on half a bottle or more of 750 ml of vodka plus one or two liquor samples. He would belittle me, insult me, call me names, cuss me out, and make me feel like I was a horrible person for asking him to reduce his alcohol intake. I hated being around him on the weekend. I hated being called a c*nt while I cooked dinner — or being told that I would never be successful because my parents divorced (even though my salary was double his and still is). It was a miserable full year of his antics before he went too far and called my oldest a whore at 14-years-old — why? Because she had her first boyfriend, and they were sitting on the couch watching a movie in the living room. He told me, in his drunken rant, that I wanted her to get pregnant and that he would call DFACS on me. As she cried and I tried to defend myself and her, I decided that enough was enough. He could insult me all he wanted, but I drew the line at hurting the kids. He never once apologized for that, not to me, not to her. He always believed that he was justified in the things he always said to us.
Fast forward a little over five years, and drunkenness still makes me nervous. I’m ok with casual drinking and have even had a cocktail myself once in a blue moon, but once someone starts going past tipsy, my anxiety rises.
My husband rarely drinks, though he does enjoy beer and whiskey from time-to-time, but he’s always moderate in what he drinks when he does. And the only one time that he drank a bit more than a couple of drinks, he immediately stopped once I told him that I was nervous and anxious about it. He understood that there was a fear and a wall built from my ex and took action to make sure that I was ok. He always takes care that no habit will ever harm our relationship and puts me and all of our kids first.
I admire that in ways that I can’t even begin to verbalize. He makes me feel safe, and loved, and important, and his dedication to me and his kids and my kids… it is beyond anything I ever thought I’d find in a man.
He truly sees me
He sees me, deeply and completely. He understands my past pain and fears on a more profound level that anyone else.
He reminds me often that he cares about my physical, emotional, and mental well-being and that he will never betray me or let something like certain vices tear us apart.
He encourages me in my goals for my career and in writing, never caring how much money I do or don’t make, but always proud of me for me efforts and my accomplishments.
He showers me with affection, reassurance, stability, compassion, and love. He provides everything I have ever wanted and needed in a partner. He completes my soul, as if we were cut from the same cloth. He and I bond together as if we have known each other for decades or in a previous life. He may not be perfect — but he is perfect for me.
I love you, Bryce. Thank you for everything. I am grateful for you every single day and look forward to all that life will bring us.
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This is so beautiful. I am so glad you were able to find the love you truly deserved 🥹.