The Internal Battle when Emotional Scars Reopen
The Downward Spiral
No one truly understands the internal struggle someone goes through when insecurities and old wounds pop up. We can assume we understand based on our own experience or what we’ve read or observed in the world- but it’s simply not the same for every person.
By the time we reach our 30s, chances are that we have some deep-rooted fears and insecurities from our exes that pop up at the damnedest of times. A perfectly normal day can suddenly become an overwhelming feeling of sadness and panic when you least expect it. You know that your reaction is unwarranted and irrational, but you can’t help it.
One moment, it’s a wonderful morning eating brunch with your partner and friends, completely content and filled with love and joy. And then you head to the gym for a routine workout with your partner. You may be new at the gym, or have gone for years with them, and never had an issue.
And then it happens. A subconscious glance at another woman. And while consciously you know better — you know he loves you and isn’t ever pursuing others — the old wounds of betrayal from a previous partner begin to bubble up. Down goes the mental spiral.
It’s nothing. It meant nothing.
Her ass isn’t even that nice.
Oh great, now there are two of them nearby.
I wonder what happens when I’m not even here.
Like the flip of a light switch, we find ourselves consumed by this raging, baseless fire, fueled by the toxicity of a previous relationship. Sinking into a deep hole, feeling worthless but knowing that none of it is true. Doubting when we have no reason to. Arguing with ourselves in a swirling internal monologue, hopelessly losing the fight against the pain that’s still buried deep within.
Old wounds take a while to heal. Longer than I’d like, at least. Sometimes it takes some careful self-love. Other times, the love and care of a new partner.
Whenever I feel something bubbling up, I try to keep silent, step away, take some time alone, process things before I open my mouth. I tend to walk away and leave my partner wondering what just happened. Or I sit with pursed lips as he tries to drag “what’s wrong” out of me. And the truth is… nothing’s wrong. Nothing but the scars threatening to burst open and cause utter misery.
Lucky for me, I’m not one to make a scene or cause major insult and injury. Once I hit rock bottom, which is generally pretty quick, my rational side kicks in and I begin damage control. Hopelessly trying to clean up my mistakes and the words consumed by fears that began to pour out during my decline into despair.
My spirals tend to leave me feeling guilty and ashamed — like I had done irreparable damage, regardless of how small it was. No one likes to be on the receiving end. Every day I hope to heal a bit more so that he never has to deal with my insecurities again.
I count myself beyond lucky that my partner is loving, compassionate, and understanding. He always takes it all in, listens, tries to reassure me, and holds me close.
Sometimes — no — every day I think to myself, he is so good to me, he deserves so much more. He deserves a woman that isn’t scarred by her past, that doesn’t have mood swings during her cycle (does that option even exist?). Yet he thinks the world of me, and while for the most part I believe him when he says all the wonderful things he does, it’s moments like these where my insecurities make me feel like I will never be good enough to him.
Maybe one day my scars will fully heal. But until then, I’ll try to control my insecurities a little better each time. And hopefully, he will continue to love me and stay with me long after the wounds are closed and faint memories.
If you would like some good ideas, then Yourbrain.health has a great article here about 5 strategies to heal emotional scars. I wish I had found these years ago so that my healing journey could have begun sooner. They are:
Acknowledge and recognize your emotional scars
Talk to someone
Explore enriching activities to heal
Journal
Be patient with yourself
Until your wounds are healed and your scars softened, best wishes and be kind to yourself! :)
If you know someone that would benefit from this post, please do share! :)